The Mental Ballet

Or as my beautiful wife just informed me, "Talking to you during these times is like a Mental Mosh Pit" - Angie


Coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose, body feeling beyond fatigued as in ZERO energy (lifting my arms was a chore), a general hot mess of a human being, yet I found myself in that all too common mental-ballet that endurance athletes find themselves in of deciding whether or not to attend a race that I worked so hard for and was slated for Sunday. This was my mental and physical state as of Friday, 2/14/2020 and after I already canceled the hotel room. Saturday morning I woke up, having fallen asleep after 1:30am, feeling so much better so what did I do? Naturally, I packed my race bag for the 50k that I was now going to race the next day. 
#winning #notreally

Leading up to this sad state of affairs was a high volume three week training block with more running than I had ever taken on. I am training for my first 100-mile trail running race set for the end of July, the Burning River 100. Yes, while that may seem like a long time away, it really isn't because it takes the body time to acclimate and handle high mileage. Like every endurance athlete and coach will tell you, it's a process and you have to trust the process. 

The mileage that I was hitting for that three-week training block, while it is unfathomable to some yet piddly to many Ultra runners, was high for me and all a part of the build process. My awesome coach, who owns and runs Evolution Training Cycles coaching had me running 60-miles in week one, 66-miles in week two, and 73-miles in week three, followed by a much-needed recovery week, this week. This is based on the idea of a 10% build week-over-week and is a very common strategy because it has been proven to work well. For those who know me, I lean on the side of doing more. Not that I think more is always better because it really isn't, but because I enjoy pushing myself, finding limits, and working hard to blow past them. "Find your limits and destroy them" as my Upper Peninsula, Michigan brethren would tell me. Tell me I cannot do something and I will take great pride in showing you just how wrong you are. Oh, I should also mention that I wasn't just running but also cycling 100+ miles per week and doing 1-2 strength training sessions per week. I am dual discipline for Ultra distance Trail running and Ultra distance Mountain Biking so I continue to build for the cycling events as well.

Instead of being a wise and good athlete, I blew past what my coach prescribed for me. It wasn't totally on purpose at first. The first week instead of 60-miles I ended up with 65, just simply due to the runs that I had done. So then I got it in my head that I wanted to have a 10-mile increase each week. Why? Just because I wanted to prove that I can. I need to see where my limits are because with running I definitely have limits. Also in talking with some of my fellow ultra running friends, more on that in a bit, one individual informed me that he had never gone past 80-miles when training for a 100-mile race and this guy is a BEAST of a runner. So now I have the number of 80-miles stuck in my head as a number that I wanted to hit and possibly surpass. Why? I have no other reason than to say that I get "numbers" stuck in my head for really no rhyme or reason and I work to hit them and most times blow past them.

[Side Note] Want to know another number that I have stuck in my head? 17. It seems like an odd one, eh (pun intended)? For anyone that follows my workouts, you'll possibly see a pattern of the number 17 (usually in seconds) for the length fo time during my workouts. Well ... #sigh ... when I finished the Marji Gesick 100 MTB race last September and I crossed the finish line, Todd Poquette (one of the MOST awesome race directors alongside Danny Hill) informed me that I missed the fabled and always seemingly out-of-reach belt buckle by ... yes .... 17-minutes. That was my third attempt at trying to achieve a time of under 12-hours but I missed it by 17-minutes. It is a constant reminder to me and a motivational tool that I use to always continue pushing. Mind you, I never looked at the race results to confirm the 17-minutes. In the end, it doesn't really matter, it's just a number.

And on that note, there are also times when the body tells you "Dude ... stop pushing ... you're breaking me into itsy bitsy pieces". I got that message halfway through my 3-week training block.  Most of my hard runs, other than the weekends are done in the dark in the hours before most of you are even awake. It's just what I need to do to train and put in the hard work around my working hours and family life. I don't necessarily like training in the dark, nearly getting creamed by careless drivers (it happens all the time), hitting the frigid temperatures smack dab in the face at 5:30am (cuz that's what you get in Ohio) but as endurance athletes its what we do. As my coach reminds me of this awesome motivational acronym, IWBMATTKYT. Translation? I Will Beat My Ass Today To Kick Yours Tomorrow. Halfway through my second week of the training block, I had dug myself into a hole, meaning I was fatigued, no energy, mentally kaput, and just wanted to sleep. I reached out to a few trail running friends and asked them what they do to get that motivation back and to push through. Their response surprised me. What I thought I would hear are a few ideas to make the runs more fun or how to change things up a bit ... nope. Their resounding response ... EAT FOOD!! Huh?!?! I'm eating food, I mean. I LOVE to eat food!! Who doesn't?!?! Even though I have worked with a nutritionist on and off over the years (Kelli Jennings of Apex Nutrition LLC is awesome!!) I had not truly taken a hold of what she was trying to do for me (Kelli probably wanted to reach through the internet and cram food down my throat ... LOL). As many of my friends know, I fuel myself more on the low side of daily and training caloric intake (some even hard workouts don't get any more fuel than some coffee). As an endurance athlete, I want to be lean and strong as I can be so I am WAY stubborn on how much I eat. My friend that had responded to my question informed me that when they were hitting 70-80 miles a week, they would consume 3-5 THOUSAND calories per DAY!! This blew my mind. I told them that at the high end I am consuming 2k calories per day. They then asked, "Dude, how are you even standing up"??. That told me volumes. That evening I started putting down more food along with the following few days. That was a Wednesday which at point by the end of the day I was at 51-miles running over the span of three days. I had a long run planned for Saturday and after more properly fueling on Thursday and Friday, my body was cheering for joy come Saturday morning and I went out and ran a trail muddy 24-mile run and had energy to spare. That was not a fun lesson to learn because halfway through my block I thought I was finished. I will also say that while I could "get away" with fewer calories on the bike over the span of 9-yeas of doing this stuff ... running is more brutal on the body. Just try coasting on a trail run, especially downhill. Don't get me wrong, Mountain Biking can be brutally difficult and I have the utmost respect for the sport and all those that do it, but running is just a different beast. Maybe that is why I am falling in love with it more each and every day. #enjoytheprocess and #trusttheprocess

Now that I had learned the hard lesson that fueling for long-running miles requires more fuel that long cycling miles, at least for me, I motored on through the rest of the training block. I was definitely feeling the fatigue of course. Fueling allows me to do the workouts, hit the numbers, and build up the body over time but it is also and more importantly breaking down the body. I had been feeling like I was fighting off a cold for weeks. A lot of people at work are sick at work and so I am always being put into an environment where I can pick up sickness rather quickly when folks do not want to take the time off work and just stay home. (that's a whole other blog in and of itself on my philosophy of being in the office while sick ... so I need to just let that one slide for now). I reached the end of the training block with a bigger than planned run that Saturday of 28-miles on snowy, musky, and slippery trails. The plan was 20-miles and then 5-more the next day to hit 80+ miles for the week (remember ... totally my own doing), but I decided on my last loop of the route we were running that I would just finish the loop, be done with the miles for the week, and then I could take an easy ride with a friend on Sunday. Mind you, in four days of running I had hit 85-miles. For me, that's a crap ton ... plain and simple. Well ... I think I may be paying for it now.

Heading into my recovery week, boy did I need one, I had two full rest days. Nothing to do, but eat (smartly), work in the office, and sleep. I took every advantage of those two days and just rested yet my body's immune system had finally pulled the plug. By Wednesday I could feel the sickness coming on. NOOOO ... I have a race this Sunday!! I mean ... maybe I went too deep with the training but there is also that chance that I picked it up elsewhere, the office, out and about picking up groceries, who knows and I'm not one to blame someone else. Maybe my body would have been able to fight it off had I not done broke it over the past three weeks. Regardless, by Thursday afternoon I already knew I was going to take Friday off from work. I was feeling miserable and I really did not want to get anyone at work sick either. So that's where this whole log started from ... Friday and playing that Mental Ballet of ... do I race on Sunday or do I bail on the race.

This took a lot of thinking on my part. To be honest with me. I reached out to some VERY good friends to get their opinions because when there is a race on the line, endurance athletes tend not to be thinking of the long-term and focus on the short-term, that race!! I was also reading articles like "Can I race when I am sick", or "When is it ok to race when you are sick", etc. It's funny, because unless you "know" I think more people would be like ... screw that I'm staying home. Yet athletes for some reason, and many endurance athletes, never want to quit, see ourselves as quitters, or have others see us as quitters. There is a sense of badassery or perhaps a badge of honor by pushing through no matter the circumstances. Maybe that sounds stupid and maybe it is, but I cannot deny the fact that that mental mindset does exist. The most prominent option across the board and likely the most common one is if the sickness is from the neck up then race but if it is from the neck down, then better to sit that one out. For me and at the moment, it is from the neck up so that tells me that I should and can totally race. Yet there are other factors to consider and I would be remiss if I ignored them.

What are my goals for the race? When I sat down and literally wrote them out it came down to three goals for this race.

• Finish at least one 50k each month (I raced the first 50k in this race series in January)

• Beat my previous time of 5:30 by a significant margin (ultimately weather conditions would play a big part here)

• Beat the first place Age Group guy that put me in second place by only 2-minutes

This race was not originally on my schedule either. I was supposed to be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan racing a Fat Bike race this weekend aptly named the Polar Roll, but as luck would have it work got beyond crazy busy and taking the time off would not have been good so I decided last month that I would tap out of the Polar Roll. (ironic that I had to take Friday off due to illness anyway, eh? perhaps a blessing in disguise) I registered for the second Rocks & Roots 50k as an alternative race and on my race schedule this was a C-race meaning one that I would like to complete, but nothing that I was concerned about. As for the first goal, I did run a 28-mile trail run the previous weekend in 5-hours and was shy of only 4-miles of a 50k. That day I contemplated finishing the last 4-miles and decided against it because I was going to race the following weekend (or so I thought). All that to say that I was not far off from the first goal and the month is not over yet either (#grin). Now for the real impactful goals, 2 and 3. In order to hit those goals, I would need to be firing on ALL cylinders and essentially bury myself. What most call "being on your A-game". Could I be on my A-game while being sick or even if I were on the mends, which I am not. No. The honest answer is no. All I would achieve by toeing the line at the race start would be to show that I can finish a 50k trail run, maybe, while I was not feeling good. Who is that going to prove anything to? Absolutely nobody. There's my answer in a nutshell. Maybe I would get some pats on the back, maybe I would get some  Strava Kudos, maybe I would earn some badassery points. Then again ... maybe I would dig myself into a bigger hole that would take me weeks or longer to crawl out of. Maybe I would put myself into the hospital with pneumonia. Maybe there would be long-term health implications that would take me away from my loved ones, my family, my friends, and these sports that I so love to do. Is it really worth all that? Nope. Perhaps that last part is being overly dramatic, but it certainly could happen. 

I have raced when sick in the past. Two Mountain Bike races, 100 miles each. One at Mohican 100 a couple years ago and one at True Grit Epic 100 just last year. It took me a while to dig myself out of that hole both times. I did not honestly enjoy the races, either one of them. Had the race this Sunday been an A -ace or possibly a B-race then unless I was on my death bed I would have likely toed the line. However, it is a C-race and I want o get back up and running (pun intended) as soon as possible. A new training block will start Monday and will likely still not be ready for it or out of the woods yet from this sickness. Racing this Sunday would guarantee that I would not be in any shape to start training due to the hole I would throw myself into.

I wrote this blog with a few intentions:

• I needed to keep my mind busy and not focus on the race that I am bailing on

• I need to think through these things to ensure I am making the right decision for myself #selfreflection

• I wanted to share the process that I went through in the hope someone might find it interested and can learn from it

True and honest reflection is necessary and required for the stuff that we do every day no matter what that stuff might be. I used to really overthink everything and through the years have significantly improved on making decisions quicker and better outcomes, regardless if it was related to personal life decisions or decisions at work. Think about your true goals and the outcomes you wish to see happen and you will naturally be able to make the right decision. And if not ... then you will most certainly learn some lessons for the future.

As my lovely wife and biggest supported just informed me, get out of that Mental Mosh Pit and really think about what you hope to achieve. Mental Mosh Pit ... literally laughed out loud ... in between several bouts of continuous coughing and sneezing. Ugh.

#happytrails #stayhealthy

PS- Here is a list of things that I created regarding methods to get better "faster". At least that's the idea.

This list is less desirable to think about but necessary at times. Fairly certain "snot rockets" do not fall under the category of "discrete", but hey man ... whatever works.